Turtle Power My Ass!

You know how sometimes you think of a situation, and in your head its very cool and runs very smoothly, and you look like a hero, and your kids learn from your actions and it overall pretty much rules? Thats the opposite of what just happened to me.

So the kids and I are coming back from running errands and thus far we are 100% toddler tears and whining free. Toddler Moms know that it is at this point that a Mom can start to get a little cocky. Big mistake. I see in the roadway in my neighborhood what appears to be a shopping bag or something in the road. Its not a shopping bag, its a big, fat, algae covered turtle. The cocky Mom in me thinks "Oh man, here is your chance. Pull over. Save the turtle. Show the kids that you are a hero and an animal lover. Teach them that saving animals is rewarding and people who save animals are good people". The practical Mom in me thinks "Keep driving lady. We are coming up on lunchtime. You have two kids in the car and that turtle is not your problem. Plus, genius, turtles bite and carry diseases". Cocky Mom wins and before I even realize what I am doing I have pulled over to save Shelley (I nicknamed this turtle in my head the moment I saw him).

So down go the kids windows so they can see my valiant act of heroism, and from the back seat I can hear "Mommy, turtle" and I respond with "Yes, BB, Mommy is going to help the turtle out of the road so he doesn't get hurt". Yeah, not so much. As I approach the turtle I see that he is indeed covered in slimy nasty algae and the idea of touching him makes me dry heave a bit. Against my better judgement I reach down and try to grab this turtle, who when he saw me retracted his head and legs into his shell- good turtle. When I have him about 3 inches off the ground (Did I mention he smells bad? Very, very bad.) his legs and head dart out of his shell and he whips around to try to bite me. Eek! Down to the ground he goes, and from the back seat I hear "Alright Mommy? Alright?". BB is such a sweet little guy-- but no I am not alright. My index finger was almost Shelley's lunch!

At that moment I see a landscaping crew working on a neighbors lawn. They notice me sort of nudging the turtle with my foot and simultaneously saying "Listen dude, I cant help you if you don't want to be helped". One of the landscaping guys comes over and I inquire how one gets a turtle out of the road. His response, "Well, you pick it up, but you try not to get bitten cause they can carry diseases". My inner Practical Mom says "See? I told you so". She needs to stifle it.

The landscape worker, who I can only assume relocates turtles semi-professionally based on his skill and confidence, then knocks twice on the shell (secret turtle code for 'friend not foe'?) causing Shelley to full retract inside its shell and picks him up, setting him safely on the grassy edge of the road.

I wish I could say that Shelley scampered happily to safety, but as I was driving away I saw him still sitting on the side of the road, probably waiting to humiliate the next Mom when she tried to show her kids her super-hero skills.

When I got in the car CC, as only a toddler can, summed it up in one word, "Yucky". Indeed, CC, indeed.