My first 5K was, um, crappy!?

This weekend I ran my first 5K in the Women's Running Magazine Half Marathon and 5K-- yay me! The race itself was amazing. The pre-race smearing of another runners feces all over my clothes was not. Yes, you read that right, ANOTHER.RUNNERS.POOP was all over my jacket and pants moments before the race began. What in the holy hades happened you wonder? Well, sit tight and keep reading--and maybe grab a trash can to hurl in if you have a weak stomach. Here goes:

For my 5K I wore black spandex capris, a white t-shirt and a light pink Lululemon zip-up jacket (it was cold when we arrived at 6:30am). Palm Tree Dad came to the race with BB and CC to cheer me on-- such troopers because it was EARLY... like really, really early when we woke up at 4:50am.

Before the race started (around 6:45am) I told Palm Tree Dad that I needed to use the restroom because I was nervous-- I always have to pee when I am nervous, doesn't everyone? There were TONS of people in those lines for the zillion porto-pottys so after waiting in line for 10 minutes or so it was my turn.

It was pretty dark in the porto-potty and didnt smell particularly good, but no big deal, right? Its a porto-potty. WRONG! I squatted/hovered to pee and when I stood up I thought to myself "Oh man, I smell poop. Like fresh poop, new poop. WTF!?!?" Then I saw it... on the inner lid of the porto-potty there was poop (diarhea-y poop) and I had it all over my light pink jacket from squatting over the potty, and now all over the ass of my pants from standing up, and a TINY TINY bit on my WHITE shirt from when I stood up. I fought the urge to burst out of the porto-potty and hunt down the mad-crapper and kick her ass.

Meanwhile, its still pretty damned dark in the porto-potty and I am trying to clean myself off with shreds of cheap toilet paper/sandpaper before I walked out to (not even kidding) 100+ women who are waiting to use the potty before the race. I was panicked and considering quitting the whole damned thing right then and there. I was literally covered in another persons shit and not happy about it at all.

When I got myself figured out enough to leave the porto potty I ran to Palm Tree Dad as fast as my little untrained legs would carry me (after I warned everyone else in line that this potty was OUT OF ORDER!) and with tears in my eyes I explained to him what had happened, showed him the damage and ordered/begged him to get the baby wipes out of the baby bag (I knew those kids would come in handy at some point, LOL!). I could hardly hold it together and I could tell he felt terrible for me. He knew I was already super nervous for my first race and to have this happen on top of my nerves was a nightmare.

We were able to clean me off as best we could with the baby wipes and Palm Tree Dad dumping water down the butt of my pants--and literally reaching inside my pants to scrub the poop off them so I didnt smell like it during the race. He was a hero.

I am pretty sure I didn't leave a wave of poop-smell when I ran but I didn't exactly poll my fellow racers to check. "Do I smell like poop?" isn't exactly a question you ever really want to ask people in social or competitive situations.

The race itself was a life-changer for me, seriously, but thats another post for another day.

It Could Only Get Worse if There was a Creepy Santa.

Tonight Mr.PTM got home from work and asked that question that puzzles me every Friday night "What are we doing tomorrow?". Tonight I had the answer ready and waiting--- PALM TREE FAMILY CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTO SHOOT!!!! Whoo hoo!

We havent yet picked the location and the only guarantee is that we will get lots of 'outtakes' and 'blooper' photos. And now I will share with you some of the outtakes from last years photo shoot:

I mean is his face priceless or what?!

Two toddlers on the beach for the first time was NOT

the best choice for a Christmas card photo shoot. FAIL!

So we moved to the pool in our neighborhood to try that instead. They had been to a pool before, it wasnt scary. They even kind of liked it, kind of.

Okay, so BB was less than thrilled with our "Kids in the Jungle" location.

Okay CC hated it too! Jungle background-FAIL!

Off the the pool we went, hoping for better luck!

This was in October, in Tampa, Florida. So while it wasnt freezing, it also wasnt super warm. That apparently doesnt stop die-hards in our neighborhood from frequenting the neighborhood pool. Who cares, right? It makes for some HILARIOUS pictures. Like this one:

Dude has bigger boobs that I do. Thank goodness

Campbell is facing the camera or she might have tried to breastfeed.

So this is the best picture we got from the pool location--- Christmas card worthy?

No we didnt think so either.

How hilarious is CC's expression?

As you can tell by the kids expressions they were done and so over the photo shoot. Not awesome at all. Just as I was thinking I was going to have to pull out the Santa hat and throw it on the dog I was able to snap this picture of the kids in their Thanksgiving outfits:

And BOOM--Christmas card photo!

Lets hope tomorrow goes much MUCH more smoothly! Does anyone have any funny stories about taking the family Christmas card photo? Please leave a comment and share. I love them!

Turtle Power My Ass!

You know how sometimes you think of a situation, and in your head its very cool and runs very smoothly, and you look like a hero, and your kids learn from your actions and it overall pretty much rules? Thats the opposite of what just happened to me.

So the kids and I are coming back from running errands and thus far we are 100% toddler tears and whining free. Toddler Moms know that it is at this point that a Mom can start to get a little cocky. Big mistake. I see in the roadway in my neighborhood what appears to be a shopping bag or something in the road. Its not a shopping bag, its a big, fat, algae covered turtle. The cocky Mom in me thinks "Oh man, here is your chance. Pull over. Save the turtle. Show the kids that you are a hero and an animal lover. Teach them that saving animals is rewarding and people who save animals are good people". The practical Mom in me thinks "Keep driving lady. We are coming up on lunchtime. You have two kids in the car and that turtle is not your problem. Plus, genius, turtles bite and carry diseases". Cocky Mom wins and before I even realize what I am doing I have pulled over to save Shelley (I nicknamed this turtle in my head the moment I saw him).

So down go the kids windows so they can see my valiant act of heroism, and from the back seat I can hear "Mommy, turtle" and I respond with "Yes, BB, Mommy is going to help the turtle out of the road so he doesn't get hurt". Yeah, not so much. As I approach the turtle I see that he is indeed covered in slimy nasty algae and the idea of touching him makes me dry heave a bit. Against my better judgement I reach down and try to grab this turtle, who when he saw me retracted his head and legs into his shell- good turtle. When I have him about 3 inches off the ground (Did I mention he smells bad? Very, very bad.) his legs and head dart out of his shell and he whips around to try to bite me. Eek! Down to the ground he goes, and from the back seat I hear "Alright Mommy? Alright?". BB is such a sweet little guy-- but no I am not alright. My index finger was almost Shelley's lunch!

At that moment I see a landscaping crew working on a neighbors lawn. They notice me sort of nudging the turtle with my foot and simultaneously saying "Listen dude, I cant help you if you don't want to be helped". One of the landscaping guys comes over and I inquire how one gets a turtle out of the road. His response, "Well, you pick it up, but you try not to get bitten cause they can carry diseases". My inner Practical Mom says "See? I told you so". She needs to stifle it.

The landscape worker, who I can only assume relocates turtles semi-professionally based on his skill and confidence, then knocks twice on the shell (secret turtle code for 'friend not foe'?) causing Shelley to full retract inside its shell and picks him up, setting him safely on the grassy edge of the road.

I wish I could say that Shelley scampered happily to safety, but as I was driving away I saw him still sitting on the side of the road, probably waiting to humiliate the next Mom when she tried to show her kids her super-hero skills.

When I got in the car CC, as only a toddler can, summed it up in one word, "Yucky". Indeed, CC, indeed.

You know you are a toddler Mommy when....

1. Your child speaks and it sounds like gibberish to everyone else, but not only do you understand every word, you can also respond to your child in this toddler-ese. There are also times when this language makes not a lick of sense to you.

2. You have found yourself more than one humming a tune only to realize that its the theme song to a Disney Junior or Nick Jr. program. You may or may not have realized this because another Mom started humming along in the Target baby aisle and you thought to yourself "What kind of lunatic hums the Special Agent Oso theme song in public!?" then realized she caught the crazy from YOU! True story.

3. You have considered turning your shirt inside out to hide the *insert messy toddler snack food here* stains rather than change your shirt entirely so you can keep from producing another piece of laundry for yourself to wash, dry, fold and put away.

4. You have left the house more than once wearing one of your girl toddler bows in your hair.

5. The 'messy ponytail' style trend is old news to you.

6. You could be in a room with the radio on, television on and dog barking and as long as there wasn't a toddler whining or crying it would seem very peaceful.

7. At some point you have vacuumed the inside of your purse.

8. If your car had a memory and could drive itself two places on its own they would be Target and the pediatricians office.

9. The salesgirl at Ulta tells you that she has had her makeup on since the day before and instead of being grossed out that she clearly didnt shower or wash her face, you are impressed that her eyeliner hasnt smudged and wonder what products she is using and if you might be able to get 3 days out of a single application.

10. You sometimes hesitate to call a repair person for fear of what the actual problem might be. For instance, if your sliding glass door was having issues sliding properly in the track and after you checked it out a few times you started to look for sliding glass door repair people on the internet, and when your husband inspected the problem he found two Starbucks cup stoppers jammed in the track of the sliding glass door. Yeah, true story.

So if you qualify for any of these 10 things you KNOW you are a toddler Mom---and you are probably, like me, exhausted, but loving every second!

Trick or Treat!

Tonight will be the first time that BB and CC will go Trick-or-Treating. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was a young teenager running out my front door of my house as my mother yelled after me to make sure I didnt take the 'good pillowcase' to collect my candy. Of course, back then, I had no notions of thread-counts and probably ruined some pretty nice sheet sets dragging my sack from house to house. Oops!

Anyway, tonight we will load our little Handy Manny and Princess Cinderella Ballerina up in the red wagon and drag it down the block visiting neighbors and asking for treats. I predict at first BB will hang back, a little unsure. He will need a bit of coaxing, and might need me to take his little hand and lead him up to the door. CC will be her usual wide-open self and Jay will have to hold her hand to keep her from running around in the street, into peoples houses, wherever. No sugar high needed for my girl, she runs on pure fearlessness. I am sure both of them will have a good time-- and collapse into bed after only a short bit of Trick or Treating.

I will report back on the candy loot after I go through it and take my 'chaperone fee'.

Have a safe and happy Halloween everyone!

20 Things About Me.

I thought this might be a fun way for you to get to know me and my family.

1. First (and somewhat telling) things first. My monogram is kGg. I welcome any and all monogrammed items. Love them. My car is even monogrammed with a decal from 2PreppyGirls.

2. I have 2 children who are 13 months apart, BB (boy, currently 26 months) and CC (girl, currently 13 months). Millionaires family.

3. I live in Florida as of September 2011, and DH and I say to each other regularly "we should have moved here years ago". We love it.

4. Ah, the DH. He is a wonderful guy; full of humor. I am sure he will make guest appearances in the comments section with wit and sarcasm. His gifts.

5. While I will call myself a prepster, I think my style is actually more classic. Think Ann Taylor, meets J.Crew, meets Lilly Pulitzer. I am a preppy mutt.

6. This is not my first blog rodeo. I blogged about my IVF process to conceive BB also. That one is private now, but was a great source of support at the time.

7. I love cars, expensive ones. I can spot a luxury car from a mile away. It is getting harder now with lower-end vehicles mimicking luxury all the time. I mistakenly identified a *gasp* Hyundai as a Benz the other day.

8. I worship the sun and aspire to be a leather-ball by the time I am 50.

9. I adore my current friends, and I am always looking to make new ones. My circle can never be too wide.

10. My Starbucks name is Faith. If you hear it called out associated with a Venti Americano with room, look around. I am there somewhere.

11. Home invasion is my greatest fear. Its somewhat irrational how much I think about it.

12. Even writing #11 makes me think that someday a newscaster will reference this blog post when reporting on how I was killed in a home invasion. I told you, irrational.

13. My favorite TV shows are COPS and Americas Most Wanted. John Walsh is my hero. I am also a "Real Housewives" junkie. DH wont admit it, but he is too.

14. I cant stand 'reality talent shows'. American Idol makes me want to hide underwater in my bathtub. DH pink, puffy hearts the mediocrity that is American Idol. Blech!

15. I have 2 dogs. A Golden Retriever and a Maltese, aka- Little Beast and Beast. Little Beast has been mine since before DH and the monkeys came along. I am his one true love.

16. When it comes to wine I am not a snob. Most nights I am sipping a crispy, light Pinot Grigio. I drink what I like, not what I have heard is 'swanky'.

17. Sushi makes me swoon. I love beautiful food and a colorful plate of raw fish usually has me whipping out my iPhone to snap a picture before attacking the plate.

18. I cant play golf but I love the driving range.

19. I went to an all-girls boarding school and made some of my very best life-long friends there.

20. When all else fails I use humor to get me out of most sticky situations.