Turtle Power My Ass!

You know how sometimes you think of a situation, and in your head its very cool and runs very smoothly, and you look like a hero, and your kids learn from your actions and it overall pretty much rules? Thats the opposite of what just happened to me.

So the kids and I are coming back from running errands and thus far we are 100% toddler tears and whining free. Toddler Moms know that it is at this point that a Mom can start to get a little cocky. Big mistake. I see in the roadway in my neighborhood what appears to be a shopping bag or something in the road. Its not a shopping bag, its a big, fat, algae covered turtle. The cocky Mom in me thinks "Oh man, here is your chance. Pull over. Save the turtle. Show the kids that you are a hero and an animal lover. Teach them that saving animals is rewarding and people who save animals are good people". The practical Mom in me thinks "Keep driving lady. We are coming up on lunchtime. You have two kids in the car and that turtle is not your problem. Plus, genius, turtles bite and carry diseases". Cocky Mom wins and before I even realize what I am doing I have pulled over to save Shelley (I nicknamed this turtle in my head the moment I saw him).

So down go the kids windows so they can see my valiant act of heroism, and from the back seat I can hear "Mommy, turtle" and I respond with "Yes, BB, Mommy is going to help the turtle out of the road so he doesn't get hurt". Yeah, not so much. As I approach the turtle I see that he is indeed covered in slimy nasty algae and the idea of touching him makes me dry heave a bit. Against my better judgement I reach down and try to grab this turtle, who when he saw me retracted his head and legs into his shell- good turtle. When I have him about 3 inches off the ground (Did I mention he smells bad? Very, very bad.) his legs and head dart out of his shell and he whips around to try to bite me. Eek! Down to the ground he goes, and from the back seat I hear "Alright Mommy? Alright?". BB is such a sweet little guy-- but no I am not alright. My index finger was almost Shelley's lunch!

At that moment I see a landscaping crew working on a neighbors lawn. They notice me sort of nudging the turtle with my foot and simultaneously saying "Listen dude, I cant help you if you don't want to be helped". One of the landscaping guys comes over and I inquire how one gets a turtle out of the road. His response, "Well, you pick it up, but you try not to get bitten cause they can carry diseases". My inner Practical Mom says "See? I told you so". She needs to stifle it.

The landscape worker, who I can only assume relocates turtles semi-professionally based on his skill and confidence, then knocks twice on the shell (secret turtle code for 'friend not foe'?) causing Shelley to full retract inside its shell and picks him up, setting him safely on the grassy edge of the road.

I wish I could say that Shelley scampered happily to safety, but as I was driving away I saw him still sitting on the side of the road, probably waiting to humiliate the next Mom when she tried to show her kids her super-hero skills.

When I got in the car CC, as only a toddler can, summed it up in one word, "Yucky". Indeed, CC, indeed.

You know you are a toddler Mommy when....

1. Your child speaks and it sounds like gibberish to everyone else, but not only do you understand every word, you can also respond to your child in this toddler-ese. There are also times when this language makes not a lick of sense to you.

2. You have found yourself more than one humming a tune only to realize that its the theme song to a Disney Junior or Nick Jr. program. You may or may not have realized this because another Mom started humming along in the Target baby aisle and you thought to yourself "What kind of lunatic hums the Special Agent Oso theme song in public!?" then realized she caught the crazy from YOU! True story.

3. You have considered turning your shirt inside out to hide the *insert messy toddler snack food here* stains rather than change your shirt entirely so you can keep from producing another piece of laundry for yourself to wash, dry, fold and put away.

4. You have left the house more than once wearing one of your girl toddler bows in your hair.

5. The 'messy ponytail' style trend is old news to you.

6. You could be in a room with the radio on, television on and dog barking and as long as there wasn't a toddler whining or crying it would seem very peaceful.

7. At some point you have vacuumed the inside of your purse.

8. If your car had a memory and could drive itself two places on its own they would be Target and the pediatricians office.

9. The salesgirl at Ulta tells you that she has had her makeup on since the day before and instead of being grossed out that she clearly didnt shower or wash her face, you are impressed that her eyeliner hasnt smudged and wonder what products she is using and if you might be able to get 3 days out of a single application.

10. You sometimes hesitate to call a repair person for fear of what the actual problem might be. For instance, if your sliding glass door was having issues sliding properly in the track and after you checked it out a few times you started to look for sliding glass door repair people on the internet, and when your husband inspected the problem he found two Starbucks cup stoppers jammed in the track of the sliding glass door. Yeah, true story.

So if you qualify for any of these 10 things you KNOW you are a toddler Mom---and you are probably, like me, exhausted, but loving every second!

Thankful for family.

Hello friends. Sorry I took a couple of days break from the blog. We had an awesome guest in town for the weekend and we were pretty busy!

My stepson Joey, who is working his tail off at a college in Manhattan AND doing an amazing internship too (!!), came down to enjoy some Florida sunshine for a few days. It was a great visit with him. BB and CC adore their big brother and couldnt get enough of playing with him or holding his hand. Watching the kids together was so sweet- totally the highlight of the weekend. Its always awesome to see your kids bonding with other members of your family.

I also had the great pleasure of spending some more quality time with Joey on Cheetah Hunt-- the newest rollercoaster at Busch Gardens, Tampa Bay. Yikes! Its official, I am too old for that take you really high up, really fast, then drop you down to the ground, even faster nonsense. About a third of the way through the ride I said to Joey, as calmly as you can while travelling at a million miles an hour, "Joey, I dont think I like this!?" as if he was going to be able to do anything about it. LOL! It was a great visit for everyone and we are all hoping that Joey comes back to visit us again very, very soon. In fact, the plans are already in the works for his next adventure down to Tampa. Yay!

Here is a picture of the kids by the Myombe Reserve where you can see chimps and gorillas in very cool habitats! Enjoy the rest of the weekend. Did everyone remember to turn their clocks back? We did.

Cheaper than therapy.

I am sure many of you, dear readers, have heard the expression "Its cheaper than therapy" about various things in life-- wine, sex, cigarettes etc. I never thought that I would be saying "Its cheaper than therapy" about my blog topic for the day. Fabric steaming.

I just spent the last hour steaming some new drapes that I got for the living room. I am not one to brag but if anyone knows of any local dry cleaners or celebrity stylist (Rachel Zoe-- I'm looking at you!) please let me know. I really think I have natural talent for this type of thing. LOL!

Anyway, back to therapy. Fabric steaming, while slightly dangerous if you arent paying attention, is therapeutic in the same way that vacuuming is therapeutic. If you are 'one of those people' you know what I mean. And by 'one of those people' I mean the people who like the straight vacuum lines on freshly cleaned carpets; those who get an adrenaline rush from wiping a glass top table free of toddler finger prints. You know who you are- and this post is for you!

It was divine to see those wrinkles literally vanish as I brushed the steamer on the drapes, like magic. So if you have some wrinkles in your life that need to be eradicated I highly recommend picking up a fabric steamer of some sort. I used a Conair Compact Fabric Steamer but there are many different models to choose from. My Conair was $25 and at that price it is certainly cheaper than therapy.

Maybe if I pay DOUBLE tuition?

Today Jay and I went the Open House at the school where BB will start in September for pre-school. (Go Wildcats!) Um, nothing prepares you, as a Mom, for envisioning your own little tiny baby, who you wished and prayed for, to be going to school. The thought of it literally made me weepy today--with anxiety and excitement. Jay was great and held himself together very well, but I saw his face as we watched those little ones playing and learning, and playing some more. He was imagining BB in his little uniform with the other kids....making friends, going to the bathroom all by his little self, tracing letters and numbers and having fun....without us. I know he needs to grow up and be his own little (handsome!) person but would be okay if I did it with him? You know, in case he needs me. :) I'll pay my own tuition-- and I'm totally potty-trained. Win-win.

Okay Moms, let me have it. Share your experiences with your little ones going to preschool!

Oh good, the brainwashing is working.

For the last few days BB has been pointing at a picture of Demi Moore on the cover of In Touch magazine ( dont worry it was a gift from Jay!) and saying 'Mommy. Mommy'.... it might not be the hot picture of her from Striptease in the little sequin bikini, but I'll take it!!! Is there a celeb that people (even tiny people with limited toddler vocabulary) tell you that you look like? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Trick or Treat!

Tonight will be the first time that BB and CC will go Trick-or-Treating. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was a young teenager running out my front door of my house as my mother yelled after me to make sure I didnt take the 'good pillowcase' to collect my candy. Of course, back then, I had no notions of thread-counts and probably ruined some pretty nice sheet sets dragging my sack from house to house. Oops!

Anyway, tonight we will load our little Handy Manny and Princess Cinderella Ballerina up in the red wagon and drag it down the block visiting neighbors and asking for treats. I predict at first BB will hang back, a little unsure. He will need a bit of coaxing, and might need me to take his little hand and lead him up to the door. CC will be her usual wide-open self and Jay will have to hold her hand to keep her from running around in the street, into peoples houses, wherever. No sugar high needed for my girl, she runs on pure fearlessness. I am sure both of them will have a good time-- and collapse into bed after only a short bit of Trick or Treating.

I will report back on the candy loot after I go through it and take my 'chaperone fee'.

Have a safe and happy Halloween everyone!